Boy do I suck.

I suppose it would be more PC to say “stink”, but I really feel that I have passed that into “suck”. You may be thinking, I’m sure your are fine and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Trust me, I need to be.

First, I am going to throw myself a pity party. A great big whining crying pity party. It has been a crap year. The best thing that happened was Little Red (although he really is becoming more blonde…). And even his arrival was a difficult one. In the meantime the year has been like a year of Friday the 13th’s all stacked on top of each other. Lots of Murphy’s Law days and then there was my accident where I put my hands through plate-glass. It was an accident and required a tip to the ER via ambulance and emergency personnel had to stay with my littles while I was carted off to receive 38 stitches over both hands/arms. One of the major scars is right down the suicide line which is a real attractive look. And of course the scars are ugly and I wish the whole thing hadn’t happened. I am very fortunate (and grateful) that I missed the artery and tendons although medical personnel were not quite sure how. Of course where was wound care after and in the middle of that my husband’s father passed away. We also learned that our optometrist passed away (way too young) and now we need to find a new eye doctor (and I’m picky about my physicians so wish me luck on that!) A month after that his grandmother passed away and my mother ended up in the hospital. At some point in there my aunt ended up in the hospital as well. I know there are more things that I am forgetting, but those are really the big ones. Sometimes things are just horrible.

I think that makes me depressed to an extent. I had done really well with weight loss after Little Red came along and was hoping to use that as a springboard to continue healthier eating and exercising and losing weight. Yeah, I got lazy. I do blame the whole accident thing because I couldn’t do a whole lot on my own. Instead I decided to eat Cheetos‘ and sit on the couch. That doesn’t do a whole lot for you when you really want to be eating healthier and getting in a more regular exercise habit. Now my lazy tendencies have been fed and it is hard to break out of the rut.

Hopefully I can start to turn the corner here – I picked up some Zumba cd’s and Small Blonde likes to dance with me (when I can find time to do it when Little Red isn’t demanding to be held) and we picked up lots of fruit and not much in the way of Cheetos’. I even actually ate fruit yesterday and today. Most of the time I buy it for Small Blonde because he loves it so and it is good for him to eat healthy. However, it is also good for me to set a good example and I have been failing on that end for a few months now.

School has now started and Small Blonde is back to school so hopefully while it is just me and Little Red I can start to get laundry caught up again. I had been doing so well with a load a day and starting to make that a habit. Now I have piles of laundry. I think I probably have 4 more loads of adult laundry to get washed before I’m “caught up”. My lovely living room has turned back into disaster central and while I had made some promising strides in the kitchen, that work has also been undone. It is also safe to say that the dining room table is once again covered over.

I envy those folks who are just able to take care of a home where things are all neat and tidy and sparkly clean. I wish I was one of those folks. The truth is that I am not. My strengths lie in other areas and it is a lot of work for me to get this home organized. And it needs to be done soon because I know Small Blonde will want to have play dates at his house and I want him to be able to do so without feeling embarrassed about my house.

Actually it makes me feel like less of an adult, like I’m just a child pretending to be a home owner without really knowing what all of it entails. I do love my littles though and some of my strengths lie there. That I don’t mind the noise or the messes or trying science experiments or taking 10 minutes to watch the ants in coming and going from their ant hill. I just lose sight of that being overwhelmed all the time and not having what feels like a “clean” place to land in. Somewhere that isn’t chaos or cluttered or messy. I need that place where things are neat and put away so I can let my brain relax. Right now that place only exists in my mind.

Don’t worry, I know that I am the one responsible for this. I am the one who is an adult and needs to do the adult things and fix it.

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