The Agony.

I know, I’ve been prattling on about trips to Goodwill and clearing out my “junk”  and not really touched on any important stuff.  Such as the reason I’m doing this. 

It is all about the agony.  There is a lot of agony with this.  It is not the despair about getting rid of things that I’m too attached to, it is more about the embarrassment of taking 3 days to make the house presentable before company is allowed in the door.   By making things presentable I mean that we’re throwing things in boxes and closing doors to “go through later”.  Later has yet to arrive.  Agony continues.  Boxes and tubs are everywhere!  Then we fill them up and buy more tubs.  I think we could build a fort or a bomb shelter with them.  I know when I get through all this we will have more tubs than we know what to do with and I’m actually a little excited about that.  I’m not sure what to do with them at that point, but so far I have half-dozen spares sitting in my closet right now.  I also have about 10 empty boxes of assorted sizes that I’ll use to transport my stuff to Goodwill or wrap Christmas presents.  All that makes it sounds like progress is being made and yet I still feel the agony. 

It begins with some escalating anxiety.  Thoughts about how awful things look that morph into a larger than life portrayal of the mess.  With the escalating anxiety comes some self-feeding doubt which grows larger each time I try to get handle on this.  As though I will never get a handle on this and will wallow in this lifestyle until I die.  When the self-feeding doubt gets to be about as large as a cow the beginnings of panic move in.  Hurried worrying about whether or not it will ever be finished, whether or not I’m really accomplishing anything, will I have any surprise visitors that will make me feel worse about myself than I already do.  At this point my brain full of hurried worrying jumps feverishly into fantastical goal setting.  Where it would be a miracle if I could complete one of the goals let alone all 30 of them my brain things I should be able to finish before supper-time.  Wrapped up with a nice bow, that is the agony.  At least that is the best way I can explain it.  So, I come to this blog as part of the fantastical goal setting that if I keep a journal of what I do, I just might get somewhere with it.

I know it might be fairly obvious to think, hey have a yard sale and make a buck on all this stuff.  However that leads to another set of problems: too late in the year, where to store all of it until spring, will still need to list and take a load or 3 to Goodwill.  I’ll save myself some agony and just take it to Goodwill in the first place and then take the tax deduction.

But back to the agony.  Do you have anything really embarrassing?  My house is the most embarrassing thing going on in my life.  Seriously, I’m over 30 and my house looks like a tornado has gone through it.  Every day.  I do have  2-year-old, but he’s not the problem.  The problems are the lazy habits my husband and I have developed and just can’t seem to get rid of.  I get up and go to work in a professional environment, I have a partnership in a side business and yet I can’t seem to clean my house.  I’ve seen that show – Hoarders.  It scares the bejesus out of me.  It has stuck in my head that if we don’t do something about it now, that is where we will end up.  I can’t bear it.  I really can’t.  I hate that I can’t have people come over.  I hate the informal gatherings at my house drive my mind to the ragged edge of disaster.  I hate the agony of all this. 

That is why I’m here.  To help battle the agony.  To work on my game plan.  To remove myself from the pack rat hell I’m living in and get into the habits that will help keep the change real.

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